The idea of “do not harm me” conduct is principally this: When you appear too drained, delicate, or victimized, then your companion will not pressure you into an uncomfortable dialog. In his ebook, “Radically Open Dialectical Conduct Remedy” — which initially coined the thought of “do not harm me” responses — psychologist Dr. Thomas R. Lynch describes the conduct as a solution to “block undesirable crucial suggestions.” This will manifest in complaints like “I do not really feel effectively” or contain rehashing unrelated issues or previous traumas to convey a crushing emotional weight.
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Usually, these responses could also be exaggerated or outright lies. As Lynch observes, the “harm or sad-looking conduct is phony and used to manage individuals.” Such manipulation buys time to run from points as a substitute of dealing with them, but it surely’s not good for a relationship in the long run. Not solely does it stymie communication, however when one companion positions themselves as weak or pitiful, it could additionally sow resentment by unfairly casting one companion as a sufferer and the opposite as a bully.
That mentioned, “do not harm me” responses aren’t at all times intentional. An avoidant companion would possibly subconsciously exhibit fragile facial expressions or point out hardships to color themselves as too worn right down to deal with a critical dialog. And generally an individual might genuinely want a break earlier than they will deal with a giant, emotional discuss. “Do not harm me” conduct solely turns into problematic when it is a ordinary, second-nature response to any type of critical communication.
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